A Turn

 I find myself these days at a strange... state?

I am very happy to have my new job. I'm lucky in that regard. It's nothing like I ever thought I'd be doing even 3 weeks ago and everyone has been kind to me. But it is a huge shake up.

I know there's a lot of memes about like... fun-employed. The weird complaining of it, and the weird state of it. I know for me I was agitating and honestly I couldn't go day to day without feeling as if I made those around me miserable. But also, I got to hang out with friends. I got to play WoW and they would play with me and they would interact with me. That was a bare minimum.

Then there's streaming. Even though I had all this time to stream my viewership was at an all time low. I don't know what happened. I still did things I liked, but I cannot help but tie it to myself as a person, the agitating person I had become. Feeling unbearable as I wallowed in my state of misery.

I just don't know anymore, I  work a 8-5 and I feel even more distant. I can't play league without a lane partner, it makes me feel miserable. Streaming isn't that much of a source of joy anymore because I don't interact with others anymore; which was what I loved most about streaming. It's a barren desert now. I don't know how I feel about mtg any more because I can't help the thoughts that I run into playing that either.

A lot of things that bring me joy no longer do and in that regard I cannot help but feel as if I've distanced myself from some around me.

I'm caught in something strange, truly grateful yet a feeling of loneliness and distance. I'll figure it out I'm sure, but I cannot shake the feeling of something ending or going a way I cannot bare.