Ebb and Flow

 

I find myself in very strange places mentally. I just have so much going on. I know I'm too hard on myself. It's fascinating because I just had a like... an hour long conversation about Charlie Kaufman. He was always an interesting screenwriter to me because he often is perceived as someone who projects himself upon his characters. This is, of course, both figuratively and literally. I feel so much like a Charlie Kaufman character. I finally mustered up the courage to play some league today. It was fun! But I still can't escape the brain worms. They say so much about my flaws in the game, why people wouldn't want to play with me in the bot lane. I try so much to ignore it, but it's like... some sort of identity crisis. There is a part of me that makes me feel so unbearable. I can't stand it. But then there's another side. This insane hype beast mode side that just... feels the need to pop off and hype people up constantly. It's all so very confusing. I feel like I'm in the middle of some tug o war.

Otherwise I also have anxiety about the weekend. I've had conversations with my sister that I've felt like I've had some kind of early on set dementia. I know that's not something to joke about or take lightly. I'm not. I genuinely have an anxiety that I constantly forget things or I confuse things. I originally stated that I wanted to record the podcast on Saturday. I was  then asked to double check that it was Sunday. AND I SAID YES. I SAID YES BECAUSE I THOUGHT THEY SAID SATURDAY. I felt so dumb about that. I became upset because I just want this to be consistent. I know I originally pitched it to the group that I do it with that it'd be flexible. But now, as time has passed. I want it to be consistent. I want it... to be of value. I really do, especially now that I feel like I don't have so much time in the day anymore. I don't know... I feel very lost.

Money still creates an anxiety, but that's only because I have some expenditures that I really care for for the next month. I'll be talking to a financial advisor on Monday. Hopefully that can put my mind at ease...

Otherwise it's time for bed. I hope we can podcast tomorrow as opposed to Sunday...

Slow

 I definitely had some minor brain worms the other day. Everything was a cluttering barrage of thoughts. My mind has been all over the place when not at work or in my dreams. Speaking of dreams I had one of THOSE dreams last night. A long form dream where I fell in love. I don't really want to talk about them. I don't like them, mostly because I wake up from them, but also because of the reality that it doesn't  provide that same feeling as a real relationship. Anything I dream about is fabricated and since I've never had a a relationship I'd consider loving I know that whatever my head has cooked up is a flight of fluffed up fancy. It's all a bummer.

I also have a little bit of anxiety with the upcoming cast. Once again, not completely ideal circumstances. I used to want to have a cast that was very flexible. We can just schedule it whenever and move it depending on life events but nowadays I find myself wanting it to be consistent, especially since I want it to be consistent for the audience and I want my time to edit correctly. I don't know, it's all new thoughts.

I also have to hunker down and blaze through I, Robot. I really want that book to be a part of the conversation, at least something I bring to it. I'm also uncertain if I like Pluto. It's a slow burn and normally I'm cool with slow burns, but there's so many characters constantly being introduced I'm unsure how to feel. I'll hopefully be able to compose better thoughts on it as I finish and get my notes compiled, but maybe my friend is right. How does this separate itself from the rest of the medium?

I'm also considering playing Modern MTG. We'll see. It's not something I can just hop into. Even though I got my first paycheck I still got a friend's bachelor party this month and then his wedding next. I gotta balance my budget better. At least for sure early on. I JUST got my job after all. I can't suddenly go ham on what I used to do.

Oh, I also had an idea for a short story. I don't think I'll write it. I don't really write stories anymore. I don't really know what I want from something like that. There's certainly a part of me that longs for it, but with everything going on and how I have to balance my time is that even a voice I listen to? No. No, I don't think so. We'll see how it goes I suppose.

Balance

 I don't know when it happened, but I've noticed that certain aspects of my social life are no more. Or rather, they're not... how do I put this? I'm just confused.

They're definitely intrusive thoughts but there's also no denying that something has changed. I've went through multiple days now over a weekend where the friends I used to talk to daily and just hear their voices just... don't. I'm so used to when I'm alone in a discord they'd just... show up. I don't know what happened.

There are friends who are now I suppose moving into that slot. I adore them, but I don't like that I'm losing the others. I don't know what happened and it's driving me insane.

Also, people wonder why I don't ask people to do things often times. It becomes like... unbearable when you ask and it's always no. Eventually I just want to stop. Even this weekend I tried again, once again no. I just don't understand.

I'm lost in this delirium and somehow the ship is balanced. Certain aspects of my life are healthier than ever. I have a clean room, I take on work full force, I'm focused on my hobbies. It's just that it's now not with people I used to do it with.

Is it the acknowledgement of a slowly decaying friendship? I'm unsure. And to those that think why can't people just be distant now? I get that, but I have a... let's call a table. I want to throw all of my affection at the people who sit at this table. I don't really care for people who sit near it or are maybe sitting at the table and just not... there?

Ugh, I'm so lost right now. I just want to play Magic, I want to play games, but now I don't know what to do. It also just makes me feel like I'm a problem. Maybe I am, I've been so frustrated the past couple of months.

I have to throw all this into other things, work, the podcast, etc. Maybe it'll fix itself or maybe I have to accept some sort of breakdown.

Trial of the Dragon

 

This post was actually supposed to be done on the 22nd but I had been running around all weekend.

My title is in reference to bearded dragons. I want one pretty bad. I often find myself in a weird situation because I want a dog but my sister is allergic to them but then I want a cat and my mom is allergic to them, on top of the fact that I watch mom's dogs occasionally too so that's just a recipe for disaster.

A bearded dragon is a great middle ground for me. For awhile I wanted a chameleon but those are reptiles that don't like to get handled. It's not that beardies like to get handled but rather I think they're indifferent to it, so it can like... vibe with me.

Anyway, enough lizard talk. I'm lucky to have Cary in my corner. We quickly got the photoshops in for the tech difficulties in the podcast. We also made a thumbnail that I really like! This season of the podcast has gotten off on the right foot despite the issues.

Speaking of issues, I'll be hoping to remedy some soon. Good news! I got my first paycheck. Bad news! It's taking 50 years to clear for some reason, so I don't actually have the money. That being said I was able to make my first major purchase. I'm a big advocate that your first paycheck should be something special. in this situation I bought a Sony A7 IV. This should hopefully remedy any camera woes as well as up our quality. I unfortunately had to get a Best Buy credit card in order to do the monthly payment option, which is fine, I'll just never touch it.

The only things that really concern me these days is the block of time now. Every job I've had since the lockdown was either work from home or hybrid. Having to go to an office 5 days out of the week has really taken getting used to. Also, this is straight up a block of time I have to dedicate to it all, fully. It's strange and now I have to be picky and choosy about what I do with my remaining time, especially since I put a hard cap on going to bed at 11 at the latest. This all isn't a bad thing, it's just a lot to get used to.

Also, I've started to lose weight again. It's steady, I'm back on keto and the pace is good. It's weird, I'm fully in this zone of like... it's just good for me. I know this, but eventually, just like last time, the compliments are gonna come like... "oh, you lost weight!" or "lookin' good dude." I always feel weird about it, because I would rather be... eating anything. But as I've learned my life isn't only mine. Yeah, that's just word jumble. I don't know. I don't really like compliments about losing weight. It's a necessity, not some goal I have. I also don't care about the physical aesthetics that come with it because it doesn't change how I would want people to view me. Regardless of what people say I do not find myself attractive and no one I've ever cared to want to find me attractive has ever found me attractive. This isn't just physical, this is also personality. This is purely health and I'm content with that, which is why it's weird. Whatever.

So what do I do with my time now? Do I still play League? Do I want to play mtg? I got back into the Arena. That's been fun. I've also been making a commander deck every day. That rules. I just haven't played commander. Which I might be fine with? I'm unsure. I love the act of building decks and I love the possibility. I have often hated how most of my commander games go though, so I nowadays contend with whether or not I actually enjoy playing it. I thought about why I dislike the politicking aspect of commander, because I think I definitely come across as a person who would enjoy that. I think I don't because it doesn't have a natural component to conceal. You have to conceal yourself. What I mean, it's not normal in a game of commander to have a "spy" or "mafia" which is intrinsically sewn into the games of deceit I do enjoy. It's just... he said she said, and I hate that, because I cannot navigate that. Otherwise I've been enjoying drafting Karlov despite how slow it is and how bad I'm doing. Card games are just fun.

I'm excited for two things: Kiss Me Deadly tomorrow (my favorite noir film) and the next podcast episode. The subject is the anime Pluto, which is literally Astro Boy. Pretty wild. Anyway, alot of thoughts, just wanted to get it out on paper. I work again tomorrow and work Saturday for the Home and Patio Show. Hopefully that's fine.

Relief

 

I don't really get wildly anxious anymore; not ever since I've been on medication. This is great! I don't have panic attacks anymore but I do still feel the anxiety. I often think to myself at specific moments "Wow, I'd be having an anxiety attack right about now!"

During the past few days I've felt that anxiety and I'm thankful that I'm on that medication. Having watched a feature film after work on Monday and watching Mildred Pierce after work on Tuesday I wondered if I'd even be able to edit the comeback episode of the podcast I host (JSB Animecast). I definitely don't regret watching The Taste of Things or Mildred Pierce (Spoiler Alert: I will NEVER regret watching Mildred Pierce) but certainly one of the egos in my head couldn't help saying "Yeah, that's really why you didn't find success in that field." 

Luckily given the state of things and the method to material I was relieved to find out I didn't have to do much. I synced audio with my faux slate (my hands), threw in some intro music, cut out the stuff where we were not doing the cast and then the footage ends (the camera only had one battery) so the rest is audio! The last bits needed really is editing the middle portion where we talk about upcoming events coming to Nakama (where we shot the podcast) and secure some sort of visual for the thumbnail as well as on screen when it's just audio (which is a majority of it).

Now I'm looking to improve where I can. I'm thinking about buying a camera with my first paycheck from the new job. I can't outright pay for it, but they do those monthly payment plans and no interest if I pay it off in 12 months. I have a lot to catch up with money wise and adding this probably isn't the wisest, but I really do want video to go along with the cast. Still, because of the past 5 months money continues to be an anxiety. I constantly just want to provide to those around me. It's even stronger nowadays because honestly without their support I don't know if I'm even here today. It means a lot.

At least I feel good about work. I'm lucky to have a very good boss. He's able to not just compliment or tell me I'm doing well but he's specific, so it doesn't feel like hot air. You know of those corporate "You're a rock star" types. He doesn't do that. It feels genuine and that's refreshing. I just hope every day that I am not annoying the person who is training me.

The last thing I do think about is how little time I have now. My body just can't go beyond 11 PM practically anymore if I want to be rested for work. Given my vast amount of interests this bums me out. I want to stream, I want to play certain games, etc. I just can't. I have to edit, if I do play a game it has to be a game that won't stress me out, I want to watch movies, I want to watch anime, the jumbled mess in my brain goes on and on.

All that said it does feel like the world is much more steady than before. It no longer feels as if I'm in some sort of spiraling delirium where I have to cling to any semblance of hope I can find. I look forward to the weekend where I get to watch Oppenheimer and show that to folks who have never seen. I cannot express how much that's one of my favorite activities. Showing my favorite pieces of media to my friends really brings me life. Oh, and I have to find time for Pluto, the anime for the next anime cast. At least those moments I'll really treasure.