Relief

 

I don't really get wildly anxious anymore; not ever since I've been on medication. This is great! I don't have panic attacks anymore but I do still feel the anxiety. I often think to myself at specific moments "Wow, I'd be having an anxiety attack right about now!"

During the past few days I've felt that anxiety and I'm thankful that I'm on that medication. Having watched a feature film after work on Monday and watching Mildred Pierce after work on Tuesday I wondered if I'd even be able to edit the comeback episode of the podcast I host (JSB Animecast). I definitely don't regret watching The Taste of Things or Mildred Pierce (Spoiler Alert: I will NEVER regret watching Mildred Pierce) but certainly one of the egos in my head couldn't help saying "Yeah, that's really why you didn't find success in that field." 

Luckily given the state of things and the method to material I was relieved to find out I didn't have to do much. I synced audio with my faux slate (my hands), threw in some intro music, cut out the stuff where we were not doing the cast and then the footage ends (the camera only had one battery) so the rest is audio! The last bits needed really is editing the middle portion where we talk about upcoming events coming to Nakama (where we shot the podcast) and secure some sort of visual for the thumbnail as well as on screen when it's just audio (which is a majority of it).

Now I'm looking to improve where I can. I'm thinking about buying a camera with my first paycheck from the new job. I can't outright pay for it, but they do those monthly payment plans and no interest if I pay it off in 12 months. I have a lot to catch up with money wise and adding this probably isn't the wisest, but I really do want video to go along with the cast. Still, because of the past 5 months money continues to be an anxiety. I constantly just want to provide to those around me. It's even stronger nowadays because honestly without their support I don't know if I'm even here today. It means a lot.

At least I feel good about work. I'm lucky to have a very good boss. He's able to not just compliment or tell me I'm doing well but he's specific, so it doesn't feel like hot air. You know of those corporate "You're a rock star" types. He doesn't do that. It feels genuine and that's refreshing. I just hope every day that I am not annoying the person who is training me.

The last thing I do think about is how little time I have now. My body just can't go beyond 11 PM practically anymore if I want to be rested for work. Given my vast amount of interests this bums me out. I want to stream, I want to play certain games, etc. I just can't. I have to edit, if I do play a game it has to be a game that won't stress me out, I want to watch movies, I want to watch anime, the jumbled mess in my brain goes on and on.

All that said it does feel like the world is much more steady than before. It no longer feels as if I'm in some sort of spiraling delirium where I have to cling to any semblance of hope I can find. I look forward to the weekend where I get to watch Oppenheimer and show that to folks who have never seen. I cannot express how much that's one of my favorite activities. Showing my favorite pieces of media to my friends really brings me life. Oh, and I have to find time for Pluto, the anime for the next anime cast. At least those moments I'll really treasure.

Forecast and Old Wounds

 

It's been a very fascinating past two days.

I'm lucky that my anxiety about the JSB Animecast coming back was quelled but admittedly a ton that could go wrong did go wrong. It will be a shoddily put together project but I don't feel as bad about it as I think I normally would. Is it like... just a lack of caring? I'm not sure. I'm gonna put effort to put the best thing out and a lot of things are certainly out of my control. It's just a far cry of all I've ever wanted. Is it acceptance? I'm unsure. I don't know, I won't want to think about it too much.

I did love the discussion of the episode. I'm lucky to have co-hosts who are thoughtful and fun.

The rest of that day would be interesting. I drove over to Best Buy to get an SD card reader in order to read the footage. I then stopped over the nearby music store. They let you walk in and play the instruments. Of course I grabbed some sticks and mashed on the electric drums for a bit. It was relaxing. Just a basic rock beat. I walked and skimmed more instruments. What if I kept playing the sax? What if I picked up violin? Oh look! An accordion! Can you imagine me being an accordion player? That's absolutely unhinged. Man, if I had the money I would've scooped everything then and there. I often wonder about my lack of focus outside of work.

From there I moseyed to Leaderboard Arcade. There was a surprising amount of kids there for a rainy Sunday. I felt anxious about the jacket I was wearing. It has the main character from Darling and the Franxx on the back and is stanced up as if she's flipping you off. I didn't want all the kids to see it so I took off my jacket for a bit. It's not like I was cold so it was fine. I played a little of the Godzilla pinball machine. I'm not very good at pinball. I wish I was, but it was fun regardless. I proceeded to the Taiko drum set but there were kids on it. I didn't feel like waiting so I just took the car and drove to the KBBQ place that I was going to meet my friends at.

When I got there I was about 30 minutes early so I just kind of sat there in my care listening to music. Nothing too crazy. Just the sound of the rain hitting the tin of my car and Perisai Jitu by Moona Hoshinova.

Eventually it was time and I made my way inside to see Jennii and Paul. You might know Jennii, she hosts the podcast with me and Paul is her husband. We had a good time! It was the first time in a while I didn't have to do all the cooking at KBBQ, which is fine if I do, but I can also equally enjoy being catered too. Eventually the dinner would take a surprising turn. Don't worry, I wouldn't say in a bad way.

Jennii asked me about my history with an old friend. We'll call him K. K went to high school with her and she had told me he said hi once. When that happened I very clearly responded with a deflated "oh..." You see, there was a point in my life where I felt K and I were inseparable. We lived together for a lot of my time in film school. He had a creative spirit I admired and I think he enjoyed the company of someone who wasn't so jaded by the system. It was wild to recount this history. Jennii had visited the houses I lived at and I didn't even know it. The thought was kind of surreal but also kind of neat.

I explained the eventual fall out. I talked about feeling lonely during my pursuits in Atlanta. I mentioned the death knell that was a short film I wanted to make for an HBO showcase. I brought up how after graduating I worked on films for a year without pay waiting for him (which was really stupid of me). At the end of the day we were all trying to find our way. I feel stupid for have ever believing I could find success in that world. Took a lot to not just break down crying in the middle of a hot pot joint.

So I didn't, that was that. Bringing that up doesn't affect our friendship, even though Jennii still talks to K. I went over to their place after to watch music videos, a favorite pass time of mine, then went home and to bed at the normal hours for work the next day.

Work was standard. I continue to appreciate the people I work with. They're patient. They're funny. They're knowledgeable. Really lucky in that regard.

After that I ended up watching a film with my friend Brando. We watched a film called The Taste of Things. It's the French submission for best foreign film this year. It stars my favorite actress: Juliette Binoche. She rocked. The movie was cool and I've never heard a stomach growl louder. It made me contemplate the value of food and how much I love cooking for my friends. I really do hope they enjoy it. I hope it does taste good.

I'm now working on editing the podcast mentioned in the beginning. I'll go to bed at normal hours. A little bummed I haven't fit any games in. I don't know... time is tight now and staying late would be fun, but no doubt my health would take a rapid decline. I can't shake that feeling. The weird nostalgia of university. At least I had hope then. Back to work.