HONESTLY

 I've been ridiculously tired since the daylight savings shift.

That being said it's felt incredibly eventful, which is why I haven't written any of this in awhile.

Ok, thoughts.

Had a screening of Night is Short, Walk on Girl. Didn't seem like people liked it if I'm being honest. This has made me want to punch the audience in the face with REDLINE. If that doesn't work out then I don't know. It'd be weird for an anime bar to not be the scene for... anime movies in general. Will always film there and am excited to film with the new camera.

Had a homie's bachelor party and that was really fun! Very excited for the goon, got to break keto for a lil, and enjoy some good cooking. We did a pedal pub. That was goofy. Actually really loved that energy. I learned about gin! I now have a profound appreciation of it and how it behaves as a mixer.

Other than that I'm running around trying to keep things organized down the pipeline. It gives me much anxiety because I just want everything organized and to fall into place. It's hard to be flexible when strict placement is what I need.

Anyway, I have to go because league game, but hopefully I can be more concrete in the next post.

Ebb and Flow

 

I find myself in very strange places mentally. I just have so much going on. I know I'm too hard on myself. It's fascinating because I just had a like... an hour long conversation about Charlie Kaufman. He was always an interesting screenwriter to me because he often is perceived as someone who projects himself upon his characters. This is, of course, both figuratively and literally. I feel so much like a Charlie Kaufman character. I finally mustered up the courage to play some league today. It was fun! But I still can't escape the brain worms. They say so much about my flaws in the game, why people wouldn't want to play with me in the bot lane. I try so much to ignore it, but it's like... some sort of identity crisis. There is a part of me that makes me feel so unbearable. I can't stand it. But then there's another side. This insane hype beast mode side that just... feels the need to pop off and hype people up constantly. It's all so very confusing. I feel like I'm in the middle of some tug o war.

Otherwise I also have anxiety about the weekend. I've had conversations with my sister that I've felt like I've had some kind of early on set dementia. I know that's not something to joke about or take lightly. I'm not. I genuinely have an anxiety that I constantly forget things or I confuse things. I originally stated that I wanted to record the podcast on Saturday. I was  then asked to double check that it was Sunday. AND I SAID YES. I SAID YES BECAUSE I THOUGHT THEY SAID SATURDAY. I felt so dumb about that. I became upset because I just want this to be consistent. I know I originally pitched it to the group that I do it with that it'd be flexible. But now, as time has passed. I want it to be consistent. I want it... to be of value. I really do, especially now that I feel like I don't have so much time in the day anymore. I don't know... I feel very lost.

Money still creates an anxiety, but that's only because I have some expenditures that I really care for for the next month. I'll be talking to a financial advisor on Monday. Hopefully that can put my mind at ease...

Otherwise it's time for bed. I hope we can podcast tomorrow as opposed to Sunday...

Slow

 I definitely had some minor brain worms the other day. Everything was a cluttering barrage of thoughts. My mind has been all over the place when not at work or in my dreams. Speaking of dreams I had one of THOSE dreams last night. A long form dream where I fell in love. I don't really want to talk about them. I don't like them, mostly because I wake up from them, but also because of the reality that it doesn't  provide that same feeling as a real relationship. Anything I dream about is fabricated and since I've never had a a relationship I'd consider loving I know that whatever my head has cooked up is a flight of fluffed up fancy. It's all a bummer.

I also have a little bit of anxiety with the upcoming cast. Once again, not completely ideal circumstances. I used to want to have a cast that was very flexible. We can just schedule it whenever and move it depending on life events but nowadays I find myself wanting it to be consistent, especially since I want it to be consistent for the audience and I want my time to edit correctly. I don't know, it's all new thoughts.

I also have to hunker down and blaze through I, Robot. I really want that book to be a part of the conversation, at least something I bring to it. I'm also uncertain if I like Pluto. It's a slow burn and normally I'm cool with slow burns, but there's so many characters constantly being introduced I'm unsure how to feel. I'll hopefully be able to compose better thoughts on it as I finish and get my notes compiled, but maybe my friend is right. How does this separate itself from the rest of the medium?

I'm also considering playing Modern MTG. We'll see. It's not something I can just hop into. Even though I got my first paycheck I still got a friend's bachelor party this month and then his wedding next. I gotta balance my budget better. At least for sure early on. I JUST got my job after all. I can't suddenly go ham on what I used to do.

Oh, I also had an idea for a short story. I don't think I'll write it. I don't really write stories anymore. I don't really know what I want from something like that. There's certainly a part of me that longs for it, but with everything going on and how I have to balance my time is that even a voice I listen to? No. No, I don't think so. We'll see how it goes I suppose.

Balance

 I don't know when it happened, but I've noticed that certain aspects of my social life are no more. Or rather, they're not... how do I put this? I'm just confused.

They're definitely intrusive thoughts but there's also no denying that something has changed. I've went through multiple days now over a weekend where the friends I used to talk to daily and just hear their voices just... don't. I'm so used to when I'm alone in a discord they'd just... show up. I don't know what happened.

There are friends who are now I suppose moving into that slot. I adore them, but I don't like that I'm losing the others. I don't know what happened and it's driving me insane.

Also, people wonder why I don't ask people to do things often times. It becomes like... unbearable when you ask and it's always no. Eventually I just want to stop. Even this weekend I tried again, once again no. I just don't understand.

I'm lost in this delirium and somehow the ship is balanced. Certain aspects of my life are healthier than ever. I have a clean room, I take on work full force, I'm focused on my hobbies. It's just that it's now not with people I used to do it with.

Is it the acknowledgement of a slowly decaying friendship? I'm unsure. And to those that think why can't people just be distant now? I get that, but I have a... let's call a table. I want to throw all of my affection at the people who sit at this table. I don't really care for people who sit near it or are maybe sitting at the table and just not... there?

Ugh, I'm so lost right now. I just want to play Magic, I want to play games, but now I don't know what to do. It also just makes me feel like I'm a problem. Maybe I am, I've been so frustrated the past couple of months.

I have to throw all this into other things, work, the podcast, etc. Maybe it'll fix itself or maybe I have to accept some sort of breakdown.

Trial of the Dragon

 

This post was actually supposed to be done on the 22nd but I had been running around all weekend.

My title is in reference to bearded dragons. I want one pretty bad. I often find myself in a weird situation because I want a dog but my sister is allergic to them but then I want a cat and my mom is allergic to them, on top of the fact that I watch mom's dogs occasionally too so that's just a recipe for disaster.

A bearded dragon is a great middle ground for me. For awhile I wanted a chameleon but those are reptiles that don't like to get handled. It's not that beardies like to get handled but rather I think they're indifferent to it, so it can like... vibe with me.

Anyway, enough lizard talk. I'm lucky to have Cary in my corner. We quickly got the photoshops in for the tech difficulties in the podcast. We also made a thumbnail that I really like! This season of the podcast has gotten off on the right foot despite the issues.

Speaking of issues, I'll be hoping to remedy some soon. Good news! I got my first paycheck. Bad news! It's taking 50 years to clear for some reason, so I don't actually have the money. That being said I was able to make my first major purchase. I'm a big advocate that your first paycheck should be something special. in this situation I bought a Sony A7 IV. This should hopefully remedy any camera woes as well as up our quality. I unfortunately had to get a Best Buy credit card in order to do the monthly payment option, which is fine, I'll just never touch it.

The only things that really concern me these days is the block of time now. Every job I've had since the lockdown was either work from home or hybrid. Having to go to an office 5 days out of the week has really taken getting used to. Also, this is straight up a block of time I have to dedicate to it all, fully. It's strange and now I have to be picky and choosy about what I do with my remaining time, especially since I put a hard cap on going to bed at 11 at the latest. This all isn't a bad thing, it's just a lot to get used to.

Also, I've started to lose weight again. It's steady, I'm back on keto and the pace is good. It's weird, I'm fully in this zone of like... it's just good for me. I know this, but eventually, just like last time, the compliments are gonna come like... "oh, you lost weight!" or "lookin' good dude." I always feel weird about it, because I would rather be... eating anything. But as I've learned my life isn't only mine. Yeah, that's just word jumble. I don't know. I don't really like compliments about losing weight. It's a necessity, not some goal I have. I also don't care about the physical aesthetics that come with it because it doesn't change how I would want people to view me. Regardless of what people say I do not find myself attractive and no one I've ever cared to want to find me attractive has ever found me attractive. This isn't just physical, this is also personality. This is purely health and I'm content with that, which is why it's weird. Whatever.

So what do I do with my time now? Do I still play League? Do I want to play mtg? I got back into the Arena. That's been fun. I've also been making a commander deck every day. That rules. I just haven't played commander. Which I might be fine with? I'm unsure. I love the act of building decks and I love the possibility. I have often hated how most of my commander games go though, so I nowadays contend with whether or not I actually enjoy playing it. I thought about why I dislike the politicking aspect of commander, because I think I definitely come across as a person who would enjoy that. I think I don't because it doesn't have a natural component to conceal. You have to conceal yourself. What I mean, it's not normal in a game of commander to have a "spy" or "mafia" which is intrinsically sewn into the games of deceit I do enjoy. It's just... he said she said, and I hate that, because I cannot navigate that. Otherwise I've been enjoying drafting Karlov despite how slow it is and how bad I'm doing. Card games are just fun.

I'm excited for two things: Kiss Me Deadly tomorrow (my favorite noir film) and the next podcast episode. The subject is the anime Pluto, which is literally Astro Boy. Pretty wild. Anyway, alot of thoughts, just wanted to get it out on paper. I work again tomorrow and work Saturday for the Home and Patio Show. Hopefully that's fine.

Relief

 

I don't really get wildly anxious anymore; not ever since I've been on medication. This is great! I don't have panic attacks anymore but I do still feel the anxiety. I often think to myself at specific moments "Wow, I'd be having an anxiety attack right about now!"

During the past few days I've felt that anxiety and I'm thankful that I'm on that medication. Having watched a feature film after work on Monday and watching Mildred Pierce after work on Tuesday I wondered if I'd even be able to edit the comeback episode of the podcast I host (JSB Animecast). I definitely don't regret watching The Taste of Things or Mildred Pierce (Spoiler Alert: I will NEVER regret watching Mildred Pierce) but certainly one of the egos in my head couldn't help saying "Yeah, that's really why you didn't find success in that field." 

Luckily given the state of things and the method to material I was relieved to find out I didn't have to do much. I synced audio with my faux slate (my hands), threw in some intro music, cut out the stuff where we were not doing the cast and then the footage ends (the camera only had one battery) so the rest is audio! The last bits needed really is editing the middle portion where we talk about upcoming events coming to Nakama (where we shot the podcast) and secure some sort of visual for the thumbnail as well as on screen when it's just audio (which is a majority of it).

Now I'm looking to improve where I can. I'm thinking about buying a camera with my first paycheck from the new job. I can't outright pay for it, but they do those monthly payment plans and no interest if I pay it off in 12 months. I have a lot to catch up with money wise and adding this probably isn't the wisest, but I really do want video to go along with the cast. Still, because of the past 5 months money continues to be an anxiety. I constantly just want to provide to those around me. It's even stronger nowadays because honestly without their support I don't know if I'm even here today. It means a lot.

At least I feel good about work. I'm lucky to have a very good boss. He's able to not just compliment or tell me I'm doing well but he's specific, so it doesn't feel like hot air. You know of those corporate "You're a rock star" types. He doesn't do that. It feels genuine and that's refreshing. I just hope every day that I am not annoying the person who is training me.

The last thing I do think about is how little time I have now. My body just can't go beyond 11 PM practically anymore if I want to be rested for work. Given my vast amount of interests this bums me out. I want to stream, I want to play certain games, etc. I just can't. I have to edit, if I do play a game it has to be a game that won't stress me out, I want to watch movies, I want to watch anime, the jumbled mess in my brain goes on and on.

All that said it does feel like the world is much more steady than before. It no longer feels as if I'm in some sort of spiraling delirium where I have to cling to any semblance of hope I can find. I look forward to the weekend where I get to watch Oppenheimer and show that to folks who have never seen. I cannot express how much that's one of my favorite activities. Showing my favorite pieces of media to my friends really brings me life. Oh, and I have to find time for Pluto, the anime for the next anime cast. At least those moments I'll really treasure.

Forecast and Old Wounds

 

It's been a very fascinating past two days.

I'm lucky that my anxiety about the JSB Animecast coming back was quelled but admittedly a ton that could go wrong did go wrong. It will be a shoddily put together project but I don't feel as bad about it as I think I normally would. Is it like... just a lack of caring? I'm not sure. I'm gonna put effort to put the best thing out and a lot of things are certainly out of my control. It's just a far cry of all I've ever wanted. Is it acceptance? I'm unsure. I don't know, I won't want to think about it too much.

I did love the discussion of the episode. I'm lucky to have co-hosts who are thoughtful and fun.

The rest of that day would be interesting. I drove over to Best Buy to get an SD card reader in order to read the footage. I then stopped over the nearby music store. They let you walk in and play the instruments. Of course I grabbed some sticks and mashed on the electric drums for a bit. It was relaxing. Just a basic rock beat. I walked and skimmed more instruments. What if I kept playing the sax? What if I picked up violin? Oh look! An accordion! Can you imagine me being an accordion player? That's absolutely unhinged. Man, if I had the money I would've scooped everything then and there. I often wonder about my lack of focus outside of work.

From there I moseyed to Leaderboard Arcade. There was a surprising amount of kids there for a rainy Sunday. I felt anxious about the jacket I was wearing. It has the main character from Darling and the Franxx on the back and is stanced up as if she's flipping you off. I didn't want all the kids to see it so I took off my jacket for a bit. It's not like I was cold so it was fine. I played a little of the Godzilla pinball machine. I'm not very good at pinball. I wish I was, but it was fun regardless. I proceeded to the Taiko drum set but there were kids on it. I didn't feel like waiting so I just took the car and drove to the KBBQ place that I was going to meet my friends at.

When I got there I was about 30 minutes early so I just kind of sat there in my care listening to music. Nothing too crazy. Just the sound of the rain hitting the tin of my car and Perisai Jitu by Moona Hoshinova.

Eventually it was time and I made my way inside to see Jennii and Paul. You might know Jennii, she hosts the podcast with me and Paul is her husband. We had a good time! It was the first time in a while I didn't have to do all the cooking at KBBQ, which is fine if I do, but I can also equally enjoy being catered too. Eventually the dinner would take a surprising turn. Don't worry, I wouldn't say in a bad way.

Jennii asked me about my history with an old friend. We'll call him K. K went to high school with her and she had told me he said hi once. When that happened I very clearly responded with a deflated "oh..." You see, there was a point in my life where I felt K and I were inseparable. We lived together for a lot of my time in film school. He had a creative spirit I admired and I think he enjoyed the company of someone who wasn't so jaded by the system. It was wild to recount this history. Jennii had visited the houses I lived at and I didn't even know it. The thought was kind of surreal but also kind of neat.

I explained the eventual fall out. I talked about feeling lonely during my pursuits in Atlanta. I mentioned the death knell that was a short film I wanted to make for an HBO showcase. I brought up how after graduating I worked on films for a year without pay waiting for him (which was really stupid of me). At the end of the day we were all trying to find our way. I feel stupid for have ever believing I could find success in that world. Took a lot to not just break down crying in the middle of a hot pot joint.

So I didn't, that was that. Bringing that up doesn't affect our friendship, even though Jennii still talks to K. I went over to their place after to watch music videos, a favorite pass time of mine, then went home and to bed at the normal hours for work the next day.

Work was standard. I continue to appreciate the people I work with. They're patient. They're funny. They're knowledgeable. Really lucky in that regard.

After that I ended up watching a film with my friend Brando. We watched a film called The Taste of Things. It's the French submission for best foreign film this year. It stars my favorite actress: Juliette Binoche. She rocked. The movie was cool and I've never heard a stomach growl louder. It made me contemplate the value of food and how much I love cooking for my friends. I really do hope they enjoy it. I hope it does taste good.

I'm now working on editing the podcast mentioned in the beginning. I'll go to bed at normal hours. A little bummed I haven't fit any games in. I don't know... time is tight now and staying late would be fun, but no doubt my health would take a rapid decline. I can't shake that feeling. The weird nostalgia of university. At least I had hope then. Back to work.

You Will Be Found

 Surprisingly I'm not talking about the musical Dear Evan Hansen.

I saw two found footage films today. One was a pretty safe bet. REC is one of my favorite films of all time. A horror house blast of a film clocking in at about a nice 1 hour 30. I still scream, I still get caught off guard.

The other film we slotted tonight that acted as the 2nd of a double feature was one I had never heard of. It's called Gonjiam Haunted Asylum. It's a Korean horror film that features, of all things, a bunch of STREAMERS entering a haunted asylum. I won't spoil it. It's a blast of a time and it's not just good found footage horror. It's good horror.

I'm a little anxious about running the podcast tomorrow. I worry about my spark. Honestly it feels like it doesn't exist. There's a side of Asher that is definitely steering the ship, but he feels like a one man crew. He's working over time to steer, get the mast unfurled, make sure land is ho or w/e. I will do my best and hopefully it all works out.

Otherwise the rest of today was just... sleep. Thoughts are difficult. Don't know what I'm doing outside of work. My best, I guess.

A Turn

 I find myself these days at a strange... state?

I am very happy to have my new job. I'm lucky in that regard. It's nothing like I ever thought I'd be doing even 3 weeks ago and everyone has been kind to me. But it is a huge shake up.

I know there's a lot of memes about like... fun-employed. The weird complaining of it, and the weird state of it. I know for me I was agitating and honestly I couldn't go day to day without feeling as if I made those around me miserable. But also, I got to hang out with friends. I got to play WoW and they would play with me and they would interact with me. That was a bare minimum.

Then there's streaming. Even though I had all this time to stream my viewership was at an all time low. I don't know what happened. I still did things I liked, but I cannot help but tie it to myself as a person, the agitating person I had become. Feeling unbearable as I wallowed in my state of misery.

I just don't know anymore, I  work a 8-5 and I feel even more distant. I can't play league without a lane partner, it makes me feel miserable. Streaming isn't that much of a source of joy anymore because I don't interact with others anymore; which was what I loved most about streaming. It's a barren desert now. I don't know how I feel about mtg any more because I can't help the thoughts that I run into playing that either.

A lot of things that bring me joy no longer do and in that regard I cannot help but feel as if I've distanced myself from some around me.

I'm caught in something strange, truly grateful yet a feeling of loneliness and distance. I'll figure it out I'm sure, but I cannot shake the feeling of something ending or going a way I cannot bare. 

My Favorite Games: 2023

Oh boy, 2023. This year was an exceptional year for all kinds of media and absolutely abysmal year for me personally. I have to constantly remind myself not to be a Debbie Downer here because we must focus on the positive! I haven't been able to get to every game I wanted to nor every game I think most would expect from a list like this. I never got to explore the darkness of Alan Wake II. I never got to burn in the Armored Core VI: Fires of Rubicon. I never even got to cry in The Legend of Zelda: Tears of the Kingdom. Some indie darlings like Pizza Tower and Slay the Princess also had to fall to the way side. This just shows how damn good of a year it's been. Even missing out on all mentioned I've made a ten list of my favorite games and it's a shame I had to keep some off. So without further ado: My favorite games of 2023.

Lies of P

"People Have No Idea So Many Secrets Are Buried in Krat..."

Me liking Lies of P is something I never thought I'd do even just... 2 years ago. The Souls-like genre of game was just something that I didn't understand. I had owned quite a few over the course of my life and always quit them out of frustration. After all, games should be fun and what about the constant beat downs is fun? In a strange twist of fate my journey would be jumpstarted by another franchise: Metroid. I played Metroid: Dread during the holidays the year it came out. It was one of the most difficult game experiences of my life, but by simple virtue of "I like Metroid" I pushed through. I recall the constant failures of the final boss. Upon reflection it confounds me how I just didn't give up. Eventually I would push through, perfectly memorizing the patterns and being rewarded not just with the satisfaction of beating the game, but the feeling of overcoming a true challenge. The ability to adapt and overcome was on full display and I finally understood. I would eventually start streaming Dark Souls III and find the same joy with this new mind set. Lies of P is merely another stop on the Souls-like journey but it's amazing that another studio put out this kind of game with on par quality. The puppet string mechanic is fantastic, allowing you to choose many different armaments' to fit the playstyle of your choice. The slow unraveling of the story took me to some really neat places! In the spirit of Bloodborne it chronicles the downfall of a once thriving society. Most of all, in Souls-like tradition, it has some of my favorite boss fights of the year, specifically the Puppet King. As of writing this, Lies of P is on Xbox game pass so if Souls games are your steez this is a more than worthy stop on that journey.

Against the Storm

Brace Yourselves!

If y'all have read my past couple entries for favorite games year to year you'd know that I absolutely LOVE roguelikes. This game is a strange one to place because it had been in early access for a number of years and I had been playing it in that time. Since it's release into the early access sphere the game had already been talked about as a big game with a lot going on. It's foundation was already rock solid, so how does it improve over time? Following it through it's early access was an absolute treat. The delicate balancing, inclusion of new races, and expanded goals make this a city builder that just had me coming back again and again. It kept me on my toes constantly and I just couldn't get enough. If you want a lot of heft in your game and a nice steady progression as a city builder look no further.

Granblue Fantasy Versus: Rising

Deathbound Love

Granblue Fantasy Versus was my favorite fighting game to play. So much so it even had a little slot when I did a 24 hour stream. Seeing Granblue Fantasy Versus: Rising take flight after the unfortunate timing of it's predecessor is a sight to behold. Certainly some still have gripes with it (the hot topics are 66L and "neutral skip" *barf*) but it's hard to deny what they've done since the original and how they handled the betas leading up to this game. At the end of the day, as far as fighting games are concerned, people should play what they like. I love this game, it's training mode is fantastic. It has really neat beginner guides. It's has GRAN BRUISE. You can try it out for free if you're unsure. I can random every match and find fun in this game. Above all, I'd say I enjoy seeing the progress I make as a fighting game player over time. Nier needs buffs.

Venba

"I thought moving here would be a chance to start over."

Oof, what a feeling this game evokes. Everyone who is a first generation immigrant in America is likely to experience something like this and it's amazing how it puts you in the shoes of the tale it has to tell here. The game acts as a well-constructed snapshot of frustration and desperation when it comes to clinging to who you are. The moments found in this game are a vivid reflection of similar things I've experienced in my life. Just this past weekend as of this write up I've taken the time to learn a little about making sio pao. Shortly after this game's completion I called my mother and we bonded over a life that we're simply trying to do our best to handle.

Octopath Traveler II

"If you're going to pray... Pray for the ones fighting for their lives,
 not those already in the dirt."

This is a simple one. The game is just better than the first one, in every way. The first game was already pretty good. I wouldn't call it great, but it was well worth it's time. This game though, this is great. Day and night mechanics, better stories, more interesting characters, fine-tuned combat, ship sailing, everything here is just taken up a notch. Also, while I didn't start with her, the game has Ochette, and that alone warrants a play through in and of itself.

Dredge

"I am as human as you are."

If there's one thing I love it's a good mystery. Not necessarily a full on mystery story like Agatha Christie or something (although I do love those), but rather just... something to keep me going via the emotion of anticipation and uncertainty. Dredge does this on top of being a game not quite like anything I've played before. It's a fishing/salvaging simulation yet you're constantly faced with what can only be described as creeping otherworldly horror. What is happening? Why are some of the fish rotting? Why are the denizens of the nearby fishing town behaving this way? What am I doing here? The mysteries are pieced at a steady pace and evokes a classic at sea tragedy. I cannot recommend a game more for the fan of looming terror.

Dave the Diver

The gaming world is vast as the ocean.

Very seldom is the sentence "It tries so many things" used in a positive way. Allow me to introduce you to the miracle concoction that is Dave the Diver. It somehow manages to be a diving sim, farming sim, restaurant sim, card collecting sim, and adventure game with a flair for ancient Atlantean history. Somehow the game manages to have it's cake an eat it too by making each slice just the delectable necessities. Sure, it's not a full blow sim in any category, yet it manages to capture just enough to make it all worthwhile and fun. Combine that with arguably the most lovable cast in all of games this year and you have a truly wholesome and fun adventure that anyone can enjoy. Oh, also, they're doing a collaboration with the previously mentioned Dredge. Just a little cosmic horror seasoning for something already special.

Hi-Fi Rush

Hope no one noticed.

The cues taken from other games are so clean in Hi-Fi Rush that it's astonishing how much it lies in the shadow of it's own originality. This out-of-left field game and the absolute best game Bethesda put out this year (hehe) felt like the king of shadow drops. It's rhythm mechanics feel so natural in the midst of the bombastic combat. It's fascinating that a classic MP3 player is what ends up becoming the heart of our main character: Chai, because just as it beats within him this game beat with the heart of a lovely coming of age tale. Intimate reconciliations, newly developed and already established feelings, all of it is displayed among some of the characters I've come to care about the most this year and the music, oh the music! The hits just kept coming with this one! In order for a game like this to really come together the music needed to be as peak as it could be; a shot taken piercing the absolute bullseye.

Baldur's Gate 3

"Not what will happen - what will you do.
Your past is not yet lost.
Your future is not yet fixed."

This was probably obviously inevitable if you read this far along. I mean, it's Baldur's Gate 3. I admit, I struggle with what to write here only because it already feels like everything that can be said about Baldur's Gate 3 has been said. That being said, not enough credit is given to how deftly handled the legacy characters are in this game. For fans of older entries of Baldur's Gate there's some fine emotional ties. Of course, everything else is great in this game for the new generation. The best voice acted cast of characters this year along with a battle system that's time tested (I mean, it's DnD). It's also a shining example of how to do a game early access right. It's up there with Hades as the best early access games of all time.

Cocoon

It's not an end, but rather a beginning.

I was wondering if I would ride the Baldur's Gate wave all the way to the finish line as my favorite game of the year. The studio behind some of my favorite games (Limbo, Inside) had something to say about that. Cocoon a short game, I finished it in 5 hours, but it's amazing how this game made me feel over the course of such a small amount of time. Using a minimalist approach the game creates the kind of "aha!" moments that will stay with me for quite awile. Simple concepts and mechanics are pushed to the absolute limit as you peel back the veneer of this universe. I'm sure Youtube essayists will have a field day with this one.

Another year in the books. It has definitely been one of the best years in gaming. While I'm upset that I wasn't able to get to everything this year had to offer, the games I did play absolutely pushed the boundary that I love to expect year after year. Thank you for reading and Happy New Year!

My Favorite Games: 2022

 Another year, another list. When we reached the tail-end I was weirdly starting to feel as if this year was a little top heavy. As I made my final push I came to realize I was wrong. Turns out there was a ton of good games and I had incredible difficulty deciding this top ten. This year had everything, from triple-A games that absolutely exceeded expectations to indie darlings that came out of nowhere. Here's my top 10 favorite games of 2022.

Pokemon S/V

"She was busy with work.
Hardly ever came home."

This game is so damn close to being so much higher on my list. I absolutely love what they've done narratively here. It's not like it's some kind of mind-blowing feat of literature but there's an emotional depth there while still reminding me that this is for kids. It's definitely the type of story that if I did play it as a kid I would remember it into adulthood and refer to it fondly as it would have contained some of the more emotionally engaging moments of media in my youth a la Lion King or Prince of Egypt. It's absolutely unforgivable that a triple-A game like this released in the state that it was in, but dammit the stuff they did narratively and the concepts they had gameplay-wise I was so into. I don't think I've completed a Pokémon game or Pokédex faster. Hopefully this is a stepping stone to more quality stories as well as improvements in optimization.

Metal: Hellsinger

Rock On

It's the way that I started listening to The Agonist after this game. I don't listen to the genre of metal so much anymore these days, but occasionally I do get into the mood. This game immediately slung me into it. I know I'm a rogue-like whore, but BPM just didn't do it for me. Metal: Hellsinger actually works as a streamlined narrative as opposed the vagueness of a game in the rogue-like genre. Taking it's concept in a more rhythm game scoreboard direction allows for a cohesive narrative to be present. The gameplay feels very smooth and the songs rip. While the bosses all look the same, their gameplay mechanics do differ. Oh, and that final boss, what a fun time! The game is short and the ending implies there might not be more and I hope that's the case. I do so badly want more of the Hellsinger.

Grounded

"It's no Lemon Crime."

Honestly, wasn't quite sure what to expect from Grounded. I was like, ok, an excuse to be all small and build stuff, cool. This will scratch a new Raft/Minecraft type itch I have. What I didn't know was I was in for a neat narrative and a landmark-focused world a la Fallout. This makes sense, the Obsidian Fallout games were my personal favorites and it's neat to see the studio add this to their wheelhouse. Not only does the game have all the stuff to do in a building simulation game it has a fascinating B-movie story to boot with heart at the center of it's lore. The enemy variety is great and the creative approach to backyard biomes had me enjoying this so much more than I thought I would.

Neon White

I can't believe God Himself decided
to bless me with the thing I love most:
a completely clueless boy.

What a rad game and what a passionate community. This was one of my favorite games to stream because the community who's into it are very active. They didn't necessarily back seat game or anything like that, but rather they were very into viewing my journey. For those who don't know, Neon White is meant to be speed ran. There's so many ways to go about a level that can just cut your time progressively. The creativity in the movement of it all made it such a blast to embrace. The characters are very colorful and silly. They carry the story very hard along with that need to find the next speed running puzzle. In a weird way it's also a resource manager, with you managing the cards per stage. While I can't see myself becoming a true speedrunner of the game I will continue to appreciate it from afar.

Powerwash Simulator

*Powerwashing sounds*

I originally did not have Powerwash Simulator on my must play list. Honestly, I never know what to expect with any of the Simulator branded games. BBQ Simulator is straight unhinged, same with Goat Simulator. Firefighting Simulator is rip-roaring multiplayer fun. They all lean into the goofiness often is how I feel. I was pleasantly surprised to be pitched Powerwash Simulator which isn't nearly as absurd as the other Simulator games. By comparison it's actually pretty grounded. It was the perfect chill and vibe game. I was also told there is a story and as I played it I was delighted to see what kind of story that was. Even now, sometimes to wind down before bed I'll pop on Powerwash Simulator, and think to myself "What a lovely time."

Digimon Survive

"See you when I get back!"

I have a fond place in my heart for Digimon, but within my circle of friends it didn't feel as prominent. I hadn't really consumed much content outside of it's third iteration and I never played any of the games really. My friends Zen and Soft&Wet PROMISED me that this one was special. Soft&Wet even went as far as to buy me a copy. I owed it to him to play this game. What I wasn't expecting was to be so shaken up. This isn't what I remember of Digimon. They took my own childhood perception of it and threw it at a concrete wall. What splattered is a genuine piece of art that explored the consequences of such creatures existing. It delves deep into childhood traumas and concepts that many children deal with. A fascinating look at growing up and faults in communication/understanding. I cannot recommend this game more to anyone who craves both nostalgia and something new. Hell, even anyone who is looking to have their childhood concepts challenged, this game deserves to be played.

AI: The Somnium Files - NirvanA Initiative

We live in a simulation.

The sequel to one of my favorite games to stream steps it up. It provided everything and then some from the original. It has dance numbers, ridiculous characters, and sci-fi noir vibes. For those who don't know, film noir is one of my absolute favorite genres and I studied quite a lot of it at university. Once again here we find ourselves with unreliable narrators, but it does so in quite a different way. The occurances of the crimes involved in this game happen 6 years apart and the lines in between are blurry. It all accumulates to possibly my favorite somnium of both games. Unlike the bombastic final somnium of it's predecessor we find ourselves in the midst of something truly intimate and tragic. I genuinely hope this series gets one more go. I'd like to stop by for one more dance party with these characters, if only to continue sharing this streaming experience with some of my favorite friends in Pxlhearts.

Signalis

Remember your promise

Haunting. Truly, truly haunting. Somehow, someway, this beautiful treasure of an indie game managed to capture the essence of classics such as Resident Evil and Silent Hill. Not only that, the actual mechanics of the gameplay have a hand at the game's themes and concepts. This is the kind of nostalgia I can stand by. Rather than just rehashing something we've seen before the game knows what makes those games great and revolutionizes them for the modern audience. The story continues to stick with me heading into the new year and I cannot wait to see what else this studio does. If anyone longs for the classic puzzle-solving horror survival of yore, look no further. You'll find something truly extraordinary.

Elden Ring

No maidens. Touch grass.

If a number of games are but a faint echo of Breath of the Wild then Elden Ring is what happens when you take that echo and push it through a megaphone. It is a natural evolution of the genre and in many ways surpasses it. There's a reason it's the most accessible of the souls games and why tons more people have played it. The game has managed to somehow be as easy or as difficult as you want it to be. It might take a little time in order to make the game as easy as you want it to, but all the tools are there. It is on the agency of the player to obtain it. This, along with my favorite game of the year, have managed to live up to the astronomical hype that has been placed before them. Too often we see the failures (ahem, cyberpunk) but we truly are blessed here, in the the year of our lordt 2022, to have both Elden Ring and this next game that have shattered all expectation.

God of War: Ragnarok

"For the sake of our children,
we must be better."

To choose between this game and Elden Ring seems truly unfair. Both games are so vastly different and have so much so lived up to the hype bestowed upon them. As a book end finale the story is truly complete and thrashed me with such emotional heft I could not help but really embrace the character Kratos has become after all these years. I was never the biggest God of War fan, but this revisit to the character and the way they've molded him into a father who is constantly learning... I'll be thinking about it for a long time. This is also another one of those cases where nostalgia has a faint hand, but what truly shines here is how much is learned and how much a character has grown. We've peeled back the layers on Kratos and what's left here is one of the most memorable gaming experiences of the past couple of years.

I'm glad I can compile this list. It was a busy year for me video game wise. Hopefully more on next year's list will be played on stream! I also have a couple of games I've yet to visit for this list that unfortunately had to be put on the backburner due to time. These include Horizon Forbidden West,  The Quarry, Xenoblade Chronicles 3, Bayonetta 3, and Stray. Here's to another year of great games!

Film and 2022

 I find myself in a very strange place in regards to film in this year of our lordt, 2022. I used to frequent the cinema, constantly keeping up to date with next big thing or little gems here or there. That just isn't the case anymore. I love film and I'm lucky to find myself in a place where it's a hobby, but I suppose that strict discipline no longer pushes me to be absorbed in the next piece of some cinema big shot's latest opus. Regardless, someone encouraged me to also do a write up of film, not just video games, asking why I didn't. Honestly, in last couple of years with film my relationship has felt sordid. I often wasn't invited amongst the crowd of consistent filmies nor did I feel as if I could invite my less involved friends to that of the more obscure. It's not that I had to watch films with people but truly, I'm in a point of my life where I just want to. I enjoy seeing their smile, picking at their thoughts after. I think my fondest memories of the cinema this year have been shared! So maybe there will be a theme with this small list. I only want to touch on five. They are five films amongst the very small amount of films I've seen this year that struck a chord with me. There's plenty more that I wanted to watch but that kind of gluttonous viewing experience just isn't in my cards anymore. Maybe one day I'll got back to the buffet table, but for now I'll take the time to appreciate this finer, more intimate meal.

Barbarian - Zach Cregger

Barbarian was one of the last of a series of horror films I watched in October due to it being the Halloween season and all that. It was a fun series of viewings because my friend Zen was looking to expand his filmic side. My sister, Dori, was also looking to just watch horror films in general. It was a strong list that included the likes of Alien, Aliens, Halloween, Cabin in the Woods, The Thing, all V/H/S films, amongst others. It was fun in hindsight to view all those because it kind of led up to this point. This was a newer horror film and what could it deliver I had wondered? I started hearing whispers on social media as well as reviews coming in citing it as one of the most fun and scary films of the year. The trailer did an incredible job hiding everything. I absolutely needed to see this.

What begins as an AirBnB mix up slowly turns feral, taking turns that I wasn't expecting. It makes use of the allure presented to us by the names used in this picture (Bill Skarsgard, post IT, carrying a sort of weirdness about him; Justin Long, placed with a pure wacky energy). I loved this film as a capper for the month of October because everyone who was attending filmic viewings at my house hadn't really seen it (Minus Max). The majority of us were just strapped in for a ride and when the revelation hit halfway through we were all glued to the screen. Just an absolute blast of a horror film.

RRR - S.S. Rajamouli

I had no idea what to expect heading into RRR. I just knew that it was apparently nutso and that it was one of the best films of the year according to a lot people. To me, if I had to pick a pinnacle of a screening that was representative of the friendship I developed watching films in the past year it would be the screening of RRR. Much like the protagonists of this Malywood picture I felt as if I had found kindred spirits; brothers in arms that look out for each other during times of strife (or strive hehe). Genuinely, Jacksonville Savage Base has been kind to me and this film, as a representation of me doing screenings again, will stand tall in the history of landmarks found in what I hope to be a lasting friendship with these guys. Indian cinema stays winning. The most fun viewing of the year.

Decision to Leave - Park Chan-wook

The most romantic film of the year also contains the most memorable ending of all the films I've seen this year. It's also romantic in the strangest way as it is a  police procedural with a lot of it being in the head of our detective, Hae-Joon. The feelings in this crime thriller are evocative of In the Mood for Love which recently was ranked the highest amongst Wong Kar-Wai's oeuvre in the 2022 Sight & Sound poll among directors. That's not surprising. This is also Park Chan-wook's best film since Oldboy. The twists and turns in it's narrative are so unreasonable yet so coated in the patina of love that you can't help but feel this is just how deep our protags are in. 

This is also already a really strong year of acting performances so it's crazy to think that Tang Wei's performance as Seo-rae stands out. The last lines of the film have stuck with me since the moment I watched those credits roll and it owes a lot to her gripping control of my emotions. Is it a date movie? I'm not sure about that, but it's a testament to love.

Glass Onion: A Knives Out Mystery - Rian Johnson

I could say the same thing about the ending to Glass Onion as I did with Decision to Leave. The final shot of Glass Onion is easily the best among all films I've seen this year. Rian Johnson stays winning again with his deft ability to reframe a character that we've come to know at the start of the film to something completely different in the end. So many little things make this film such a blast to watch. I'm sad I couldn't drag more people to the theater to catch this on the big screen but it's limited run was how the cookie crumbled. With this film I'm reminded of a great line in Roger Ebert's The Great Movies book and that's (I'm paraphrasing here) "Great films will ask you a question the first time you watch it then answer it the second time." It's easily the film that will provoke it's viewer to go in for an immediate second viewing. The sheer tragedy of catching it late on the last night only to wait until the Netflix release a couple of weeks later is a true crime. It is forgiven though, because the movie is just too damn good.

Also, I don't know how the nominations will shape up come awards season but, like Tang Wei, Janelle Monae absolutely devours any scene she's in. An incredible performance.

Everything Everywhere All at Once - Daniel Scheinert and Daniel Kwan

It's weird to me that this feels like an out-of-left-field masterpiece. After all the Daniels have created some really memorable pieces of media the past couple of years. I suppose that comes with the territory of a film that actually lives up to the title. Somehow, someway this film is the embodiment of the overwhelming burden of everyday life. It perfectly captures the assault of feeling as if you must be doing everything everywhere all at once. The performances here are so intimate in capturing a true immigrant tale as well as a portrayal of queer grief. My poor sister, I could tell she felt moments of this film within every fiber of her body. From top to bottom the decisions here are impeccable and it left me with a film that I found to be the best of the year and it's not even close. All the actors and people behind the camera deserve every bit of praise that has come and is coming their way. One of the best films of the past decade and a film I can only describe as almost perfect.

Conclusion

I'm lucky to be here. I'm lucky to be at this very moment, at this very point in time. To the friends that have invigorated my love of films thank you so much. I hope you feel what I feel and if not to that level I hope it's at least enjoyable. I cannot wait to share more new experiences with you, both in terms of introducing you to what I love as well as new films along the way. Genuinely you've revived something in me I long thought dead. Thank you.

You can find more film content on Letterboxd, Twitter, and Instagram.

Clash of Kings, Queens, and Everything-In-Betweens

 I feel as if it's been a hectic year for most. I also feel every year is hectic for most. However, in the midst of all the hullabaloo and nonsense too I can say for the first time in a long time I feel as if I've been a part of something that I can look back at that was creative, fulfilling, and bright. The Charity Clash was something I threw out as a kind of ha-ha to a couple of friends that some part of me fully expected to get shot down. I know, I know, woe is me, but it's such a distinct place for me to be in that shows a genuine image of a me at the beginning of the year to the person I am at the end. I wanted to take the time to acknowledge a couple of goons who have been a part of all this in some shape or form because I find it important to let them and other people know how this seemingly little thing feels so big to me.

The First Time Our Swords Touched Tips

The first game we played was decided on was a random spin of the wheel. The wheel of fate happened to land on a little multiplayer platform builder called Ultimate  Chicken Horse. This was exciting for me because 1. I love Ultimate Chicken Horse, and 2. I get to share to other goons the joy that is Ultimate Chicken Horse. As it neared I realized something that this event would ultimately (haha) become for me: a way to showcase my amazing friends. This was especially important to me because I ended up inviting someone who made a lasting impact on me in the tail end of last year. That's Travis or Shrimpy Nobashi. I still constantly tell the story of how I remember we met. It brought to me this unbridled joy that showed how, some way, and in an immediate fashion I was wholly accepted. In fact, a lot of my year has been defined by actually finding a group of friends that embrace a lot of the quirks and loves I have while also sharing what they've taken to. I feel bad that we live kinda far away in what feels like the biggest city in the world because I want to hang out with you more. You made the first Charity Clash so exciting and thrilling while somehow having this cool demeanor about it. The match was so close and thrilling! I really hope you enjoyed it and I think most of all I want to play a board game with you soon. I cannot understate how your welcoming energy made me feel as I tried to get involved with the FGC.

Oh, this was also, for me, the event that raised the most money. I remember crying after it was done thinking wow... I feel validated... in a decade of creative beatdowns and no-gos that shred of hope within me stood up. It was an absolute flood of emotion. I feel as if I owe so much this year to this moment and to everyone who did donate thank you, from the bottom of my heart.

Team: Shrimpy Nobashi, Praujekt

Boomer Bingo

The next game played would be the first of the chosen games and pxlhearts chose one of their classics: 7 Days to Die. Now we were in the throes of it. How would our follow up fare? Thank goodness that creative Asher was now awake and wanted to make sure this was a great follow up to an already great first outing. I shelled out for a shiny jpeg made by snkagawa and started to recruit a team that I thought would bring the ha-has. This was also rad in the sense that it would be the first time Stef, Jess, and I talked about playing a game creatively. There wasn't a true competitive mode in 7 Days to Die so how would we go about it? My long time friend in the Bot Lane Kvjams suggested to me that we take a competitive Minecraft approach and play 7 Days to Die Bingo. I brought it to the table and we immediately got to coming up with goals which was one of the funnest parts to be honest.

To Mark: I need you to know that you introducing me to Vtubers and actively engaging in the here or there of anime makes my day every time. During this clash I figured I'd bring you on as a cooler methodical head and you didn't disappoint. Your team kill during this stream might be the hypest moment of all the clashes and I look back on that highlight periodically.

To Phil: My roommate of 4 years. My friend for over a decade. I'm glad that we've been friends for this long. You never cease to make me laugh. How you come up with this many jokes is so unhinged. I'm glad we can still talk cooking, romance anime, and video games even if we're not living together anymore.

I tasted defeat this event but the next would take this clash to a whole new place.

Team: Tinfoil, Hentaiface, Praujekt

Kings, Queens, and Everything-In-Betweens Gambit

This is the game where I would say we started to test each other's boundaries. I brought Chess to the table. The main reason I wanted Chess was to challenge them in a game that would test both our abilities to learn. I'm cringe and enjoy learning things. The unfortunate truth is the nature of our careers and how it's impossible to provide even a little in terms of time for that. I still feel a certain anxiety hoping they had fun regardless. I enjoyed so much of how much I learned! Jmayday was such an excellent teacher. You really opened my eyes to what Chess could be. Also, shoutouts to some of my homies who taught me Chess in the North Carolina mountains during a bachelor party. It really was a full blown anime arc.

Even though he couldn't be there the entire time I'm so glad that BigNonsense was enthused enough to participate in this event. You're truly one of my best friends and I'm so glad to have you in my life. You've acted as an encouraging soundboard throughout all of charity clash and I really hope I can have you in more going down the line. You cannot comprehend how I feel to have your support.

I also look back fondly at this event because it would be the first of these Clashes that I would do with my sister, I know she's heard this probably a trillion times but you've been my longest tenured friend and I'm glad we make people jealous with how close we are as siblings. This was huge for me because you also got to partake in helped local children's hospitals to which you were the primary reason I did those charities. I really couldn't ask for a better sister nor could I fathom having any other. I'm glad you wanted to partake in this one.

Finally Zen. There's so much I wanna say about you but that could occupy a whole entire other blog post. Only within the context of this Charity Clash I can say I was insanely hyped that you were interested in being a part of my Chess squad. Your fighting game knowledge still pushes me and excites me on a day to day basis, which makes it an exciting fit for Chess. I still get hyped thinking about that stand off you had with Jess which was the longest game without a piece taken. You've been a truly amazing friend this year and I'm so glad you're also a part of Charity Clash lore now.

Team: Zenosuke, BigNonsense, Doriosaur

Halo Halo

Oof, in many ways Halo was rocky to say the least from the start. Originally intended to be Halo: Infinite, we found the game so poorly optimized that it was impossible for my wimpy computer to play it on stream. Instead we opted into playing Halo:Reach. The intent here was that I wanted a First Person Shooter and, similar to Chess, I wanted to learn the ins and outs. As we neared the date neither team really had time to practice. I remember only having one day. While my intent was there I think I could have approached prep and consideration better for this one. Regardless it was very successful charity wise, still fun, and I think tested my friendship with pxlhearts more that ultimately resulted in a healthy step forward even if it didn't seem like it at the time.

My team for this event was assembled with some of my favorite local goons. I brought on not only Phil again, but his brother Paul. Paul is one of the kindest souls I know and I'm glad both he and Jenni continue to invite me to things. I really look forward to what y'all do content wise going forward since the Food challenge is something I look forward to every year now. Of course there's KvJams, this time not only providing advice but actually playing. We've played so many games for so long. We're also just family and I'm so glad to have you as a brother.

Team: Hentaiface, Slam, KvJams

Improv Magic

In hindsight Witch It! was wild. For a time it seemed like we were going to have like 16 people playing it. Leading up to the event the number of people fluctuated and I was genuinely unsure how many people were going to be involved for both teams. In the end it still ended up being our game with the most participants and there were so many highlights from each member. What was fun for me was I had originally intended to keep the hunter roles locked. I realized this was a mistake and on stream changed the mindset for the better which provided wild results.

A big highlight was Toophunkey who surprised me with how good he was at hunting. I started putting him in more and he wowed me. He found some people in an insane fashion, it genuinely looked like he was cheating. Double-whammy with this pick, he's also one of the funniest goons I know. To this day he still is the purveyor of my most viewed clip on Twitch.

Of course we can't forget stackofbears, the speed run king. You make humor seem so... seamless. I'm always glad when we hang out because I can fully expect a good laugh. I'm very glad that we've done so much more streaming this past year. You had some wacky hiding spots in this clash and provided great sound bits during commentary.

We had a run back with sister unit, Phil, and Zachy poo. Specific shout out to my sister unit who showed up after a dental appointment talking with a lisp.

Team: Toophunkey, Stackofbears, Hentaiface, Praujekt, Doriosaur

Dessert

The last game of the year was Overcooked 2 and like a food critic I found myself reflecting on what we have done.

I have to reiterate this. pxlhearts effectively made my year infinitely better. I feel as if in many ways we grew as friends and creators. You both wow me every day and I'm so lucky to include y'all in my cadre of daily constituents. I hope we can keep this going as long as we can and here's to it continuing to change us for the better.

And, of course, Praujekt, Zachy poo. An absolute king. You're one of the goons who made me fascinated with learning games. Starting with DBD and continuing to have patience with various things, which is funny thinking of you. I have so many clips that I can look back on of our streams together and it's amazing what all of this has turned into. Thank you and here's to a constant parade of incredible jokes and content.

Team: Praujekt

Thank you to my friends who have tuned in to the magic that is the Charity Clash. Shout outs to my Discord homies. I cannot wait to see what the future has in store.