Ebb and Flow

 

I find myself in very strange places mentally. I just have so much going on. I know I'm too hard on myself. It's fascinating because I just had a like... an hour long conversation about Charlie Kaufman. He was always an interesting screenwriter to me because he often is perceived as someone who projects himself upon his characters. This is, of course, both figuratively and literally. I feel so much like a Charlie Kaufman character. I finally mustered up the courage to play some league today. It was fun! But I still can't escape the brain worms. They say so much about my flaws in the game, why people wouldn't want to play with me in the bot lane. I try so much to ignore it, but it's like... some sort of identity crisis. There is a part of me that makes me feel so unbearable. I can't stand it. But then there's another side. This insane hype beast mode side that just... feels the need to pop off and hype people up constantly. It's all so very confusing. I feel like I'm in the middle of some tug o war.

Otherwise I also have anxiety about the weekend. I've had conversations with my sister that I've felt like I've had some kind of early on set dementia. I know that's not something to joke about or take lightly. I'm not. I genuinely have an anxiety that I constantly forget things or I confuse things. I originally stated that I wanted to record the podcast on Saturday. I was  then asked to double check that it was Sunday. AND I SAID YES. I SAID YES BECAUSE I THOUGHT THEY SAID SATURDAY. I felt so dumb about that. I became upset because I just want this to be consistent. I know I originally pitched it to the group that I do it with that it'd be flexible. But now, as time has passed. I want it to be consistent. I want it... to be of value. I really do, especially now that I feel like I don't have so much time in the day anymore. I don't know... I feel very lost.

Money still creates an anxiety, but that's only because I have some expenditures that I really care for for the next month. I'll be talking to a financial advisor on Monday. Hopefully that can put my mind at ease...

Otherwise it's time for bed. I hope we can podcast tomorrow as opposed to Sunday...

Forecast and Old Wounds

 

It's been a very fascinating past two days.

I'm lucky that my anxiety about the JSB Animecast coming back was quelled but admittedly a ton that could go wrong did go wrong. It will be a shoddily put together project but I don't feel as bad about it as I think I normally would. Is it like... just a lack of caring? I'm not sure. I'm gonna put effort to put the best thing out and a lot of things are certainly out of my control. It's just a far cry of all I've ever wanted. Is it acceptance? I'm unsure. I don't know, I won't want to think about it too much.

I did love the discussion of the episode. I'm lucky to have co-hosts who are thoughtful and fun.

The rest of that day would be interesting. I drove over to Best Buy to get an SD card reader in order to read the footage. I then stopped over the nearby music store. They let you walk in and play the instruments. Of course I grabbed some sticks and mashed on the electric drums for a bit. It was relaxing. Just a basic rock beat. I walked and skimmed more instruments. What if I kept playing the sax? What if I picked up violin? Oh look! An accordion! Can you imagine me being an accordion player? That's absolutely unhinged. Man, if I had the money I would've scooped everything then and there. I often wonder about my lack of focus outside of work.

From there I moseyed to Leaderboard Arcade. There was a surprising amount of kids there for a rainy Sunday. I felt anxious about the jacket I was wearing. It has the main character from Darling and the Franxx on the back and is stanced up as if she's flipping you off. I didn't want all the kids to see it so I took off my jacket for a bit. It's not like I was cold so it was fine. I played a little of the Godzilla pinball machine. I'm not very good at pinball. I wish I was, but it was fun regardless. I proceeded to the Taiko drum set but there were kids on it. I didn't feel like waiting so I just took the car and drove to the KBBQ place that I was going to meet my friends at.

When I got there I was about 30 minutes early so I just kind of sat there in my care listening to music. Nothing too crazy. Just the sound of the rain hitting the tin of my car and Perisai Jitu by Moona Hoshinova.

Eventually it was time and I made my way inside to see Jennii and Paul. You might know Jennii, she hosts the podcast with me and Paul is her husband. We had a good time! It was the first time in a while I didn't have to do all the cooking at KBBQ, which is fine if I do, but I can also equally enjoy being catered too. Eventually the dinner would take a surprising turn. Don't worry, I wouldn't say in a bad way.

Jennii asked me about my history with an old friend. We'll call him K. K went to high school with her and she had told me he said hi once. When that happened I very clearly responded with a deflated "oh..." You see, there was a point in my life where I felt K and I were inseparable. We lived together for a lot of my time in film school. He had a creative spirit I admired and I think he enjoyed the company of someone who wasn't so jaded by the system. It was wild to recount this history. Jennii had visited the houses I lived at and I didn't even know it. The thought was kind of surreal but also kind of neat.

I explained the eventual fall out. I talked about feeling lonely during my pursuits in Atlanta. I mentioned the death knell that was a short film I wanted to make for an HBO showcase. I brought up how after graduating I worked on films for a year without pay waiting for him (which was really stupid of me). At the end of the day we were all trying to find our way. I feel stupid for have ever believing I could find success in that world. Took a lot to not just break down crying in the middle of a hot pot joint.

So I didn't, that was that. Bringing that up doesn't affect our friendship, even though Jennii still talks to K. I went over to their place after to watch music videos, a favorite pass time of mine, then went home and to bed at the normal hours for work the next day.

Work was standard. I continue to appreciate the people I work with. They're patient. They're funny. They're knowledgeable. Really lucky in that regard.

After that I ended up watching a film with my friend Brando. We watched a film called The Taste of Things. It's the French submission for best foreign film this year. It stars my favorite actress: Juliette Binoche. She rocked. The movie was cool and I've never heard a stomach growl louder. It made me contemplate the value of food and how much I love cooking for my friends. I really do hope they enjoy it. I hope it does taste good.

I'm now working on editing the podcast mentioned in the beginning. I'll go to bed at normal hours. A little bummed I haven't fit any games in. I don't know... time is tight now and staying late would be fun, but no doubt my health would take a rapid decline. I can't shake that feeling. The weird nostalgia of university. At least I had hope then. Back to work.

You Will Be Found

 Surprisingly I'm not talking about the musical Dear Evan Hansen.

I saw two found footage films today. One was a pretty safe bet. REC is one of my favorite films of all time. A horror house blast of a film clocking in at about a nice 1 hour 30. I still scream, I still get caught off guard.

The other film we slotted tonight that acted as the 2nd of a double feature was one I had never heard of. It's called Gonjiam Haunted Asylum. It's a Korean horror film that features, of all things, a bunch of STREAMERS entering a haunted asylum. I won't spoil it. It's a blast of a time and it's not just good found footage horror. It's good horror.

I'm a little anxious about running the podcast tomorrow. I worry about my spark. Honestly it feels like it doesn't exist. There's a side of Asher that is definitely steering the ship, but he feels like a one man crew. He's working over time to steer, get the mast unfurled, make sure land is ho or w/e. I will do my best and hopefully it all works out.

Otherwise the rest of today was just... sleep. Thoughts are difficult. Don't know what I'm doing outside of work. My best, I guess.